Tuesday, 14 February 2012

The Valentine Malarkey

Rest assured, blog-ees, you're not about to be subjected to a bitter, empowered rant about how we're all victims of some commercialised holiday. This isn't actually going to be particularly heavy (at least, I hope not). 

And the title? Well, just a chance to (ever-so-slyly) use underused and underappreciated words like malarkey, amongst others like 'alas', 'behold', and 'cnæpp' (anglo-saxon for button). Just starting a casual word revolution, as you do.

I wanted to share with you the reason why I've slightly changed my mind about whether Valentine's Day is a good thing.

That reason was this morning's package in the post, to be exact. My camera isn't working, and I don't have a scanner, so I'll just have to describe it. (For those of you lacking in imagination... um, well, I'll be trying really hard, and I'm sure some cheeky clipart will be included, but if you do find it that difficult... then this probably isn't the ideal blog for you. :P Just saying.)

Opened up the slim box to find a bar of rich dark chocolate (mm, the good stuff - 75%!), with a quarter of the bar missing. The bright pink postet-note attached declared:

As advertised under your terms, a percentage of your employment fee is enclosed (75%, to be exact). The rest to be paid on completion of the mission. 

Puzzled, I reached for the folded sheets of paper that had come with it. The front page had the usual superspy stamp (see left)
pasted across it (wasn't hard to find once I googled), and nothing else. 

I lifted it to find a mission briefing. It was as follows:

Mission: To destroy, kill or otherwise incapacitate Valentine's Day.

Your Target: See above. But in case you've suddenly lost the ability to read, in which case we've just given you free chocolate - Valentine's Day. 

Target's Characteristics:
  • Dangerous inclination to masquerade as a romantic holiday.
  • A drastic effect on the price of previously normal restaurant and flower prices.
  • An inconvenient tendency to commit the same crimes against relationships and humanity in general every year, on an unprecedented scale.
  • Unparalleled persuasive skills; can pressure, coerce or guilt men into doing entirely uncharacteristic things.

  • To ensure a stop to the wide-scale suckering of humans worldwide
  • To save the environment, which suffers terribly as the land is stripped of flowers and other acceptable plant growth to feed the greed for all things bright and beautiful
  • To save our sanity

Agent, the fate of the world rests squarely on your shoulders (and on the assumption that your penchant for dark chocolate is still as prevalent as it was when advertised on your blog).[Please see this post if you don't get it.]

Agents Zoopla, Parry, Costco and Dreamer

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day, Rach! This was just to celebrate you being in our lives (you beautiful person), and the fact that you really brighten the ol' earth up. 

Conclusion: my friends are awesome. (At least, I'm pretty sure - and hope! - that they're people who know me.) I haven't figured out who you are yet. Alas, I cannot be your hand of justice in this situation - I'm too much of a coward. And behold, unless you decide to pump my stomach, you ain't getting that chocolate back.

Now, I've got to go and sew a cnæpp back onto my coat. For those of you who were hoping for an in-depth look on Valentine's Day and its effect on society, I'm sorry. However, there's billions of articles and rants floating around on facebook, itching for your perusal! Hope this has brightened up your day as it has mine.

Much love,


  1. what nice friends - i was once contemplating such an idea that is of recording a mission for a friend like mission impossible then sending them on an errand with a nice conclusion

    1. Sounds brilliant. This kind of thing makes me smile for days on end - I really think I don't deserve such lovely friends! (I still haven't figured out who they were...)