Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Even If

I've found it really easy to get stuck in this rut of

I can't do anything I love
so I just won't do anything

Cue silent, smouldering tantrum more worthy of a three-year-old. Complete with sulky munching of ice cream and gifts of red wine to myself to make me feel better. (They did. Briefly. Red wine's great like that.)

And it's not true, of course - there are so many things that I enjoy that are still doable, but they just don't hit my adrenaline spot. There is a physical thrill which I miss so much it makes my breath hitch sometimes just thinking about it.

The burn across my shoulders and in my arms when I climb. I miss that. I miss feeling the strain that balance and control coaxes out of my body. I even miss getting stuck. Having to cling to the rock and puzzle my way out of where I've trapped myself. I miss my climbing buddies - I miss you guys and I miss our socials and I miss bouldering and I miss you.

I miss swimming. Not splashing in the shallows with kids and grinning as Jonah makes his way down the pirate slide for the umpteenth time, (although that's a lot of fun! Because pirates are cool.) I miss thrashing up and down the pool and slinking as an exhausted mess into the café for a cuppa afterwards. Streaking through the water with motions my body knows so well it's like walking.

I can't quite say I miss Zumba. You don't expect to look sexy while trying to figure out the crazy mishmash of genres that is that class, but I'd hoped after a few months to have upped my coordination past the level of a centipede with roller skates on a hill. (My apologies to any centipedes who have managed that gracefully.)

And I look at the Bucket List Challenge I was given last July and it makes me laugh. Skydiving, Laserquest, cycling the Great Wall of China (we never did discover if that was legal). Walking a very long way. Climbing.

So many things I just can't do.

But there's nothing wrong with having things to look forward to, to work towards. Those things are fun, and will be fun. I expect I will do many of them in future again. Possibly more than once. Skydiving may be a no-no, unless I can convince everyone who's ever met me that I'm not so accident-prone that something will go wrong just because I'm me.

Which it very likely will.

Something I'd love to do is this.

The world's best wild swims

I love swimming. So however long it takes - could take months, but more likely years - I'm going to swim in each and every one of these beautiful pools. Even if I have to wait til after treatment, this will happen. 

Because there's no time limit. I'm learning to know how my body works in this new, confusing one that doesn't really listen in the same way. Maybe that's because I was asking it to do the wrong things.

Ah, wisdom. *snort* How very far away you are.

Love and laughter,

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